I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
