Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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