Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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