I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize