im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
