I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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