Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
