life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish my penis had an off switch
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
