Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
