It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
