I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
