Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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