I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
