Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize