Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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