he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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