Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
