if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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