she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
