You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
