Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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