What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize