im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize