i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
