Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
