We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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