In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize