you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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