He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
did i walk over a car last night?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
