I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
