I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
