I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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