I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
