textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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