I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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