My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
