just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
