my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
dude. I can hear the air.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
