Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
