I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
