I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
