Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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