my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
