I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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