Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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