what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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