I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
