I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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