The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize