Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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