I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
