My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Randomize
