who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
