I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
