I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
