he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
