Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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