When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
