Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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