went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i love accidental penises.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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